Crazy thoughts inside my brain.

Quite some time has passed since we last spoke. The last few days have been crazy. I’ve been extremely busy, but yet, I still find the time to think about you. I still find the time to ask about you. I know that it’s not the smartest thing to do. I can’t help it. Sometimes I feel trapped. Like it’s something i need to do. I don’t know what it is. 

The past hurts, the present is manageable, and I know there is a future. There are always lingering memories that happen to pop into my head. Remembering lets me live that time, those feelings again. I know that’s not good either, but I enjoy them. They were happy times. I was happy. I loved it. 

The time has passed, we’ve gone our seperate paths. Perhaps one day we might bump into one another. I hope that happens, but i’m not dumb, I’m not waiting for it by any means. 

I’ve changed my ways. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself. I did it for you. Hoping that it might change things, now that was dumb. I apologize for what happened. I do. If I could take it back I would, i tried everything but it never seemed good enough for you. 

I love you, and I miss you. 

amandawelsh:

Thank you Cortney; you opened my eyes. :]

So I understand that almost no one reads my posts….mostly because they are boring as hell, but just for kicks and giggles i’m gonna post another one. Now you have to understand that I am in a super nostalgic mood right now. A walk I took with a good friend of mine made me contemplate a lot of things going on in my life, and even stuff that has happened in the past. 

I wish I could say that I have lived a life without regrets, but as it turns out so far I have a ton of regrets. My brain has always held me back. Not because i’m not intelligent, but because i always over think EVERYTHING I DO. I second guess myself and then i miss out on opportunity after opportunity. I wish I was more forward about things, or more direct (direct would be a better word). I wish I had the guts to just come right out and say things. It really fuggin’ sucks that i don’t do it. I try, i really do but the words never come.  That has led me to most of my regrets. 

My brain has held me back from engaging in meaningful relationships with a lot of people. If you are one of these people, I apologize. I didn’t mean to. This post is for you.

The following list o’ crap is stuff that is on my mind. Feel free to ignore the hell out of it. I tried too.

1. Tomorrow my high school friends graduate. Some of which i will never see again, and most likely lose contact with once they adapt to college life. It happens though i suppose. I’m prepared to deal with that. I’m happy for them and I wish them nothing but the best of luck.
2. I’m leaving the quad cities. on my own. for the first time. I’m sad. I’m happy. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I want to punch infants. Some feelings I just don’t think can be explained.
3. Someone I care about just told me that they have feelings for me. I don’t know what to do. I already have major trust issues and me going away for college isn’t going to do any good for that. It doesn’t help that my heart is not there at this time, it is with someone else that i have feelings for. Oh dang.
4. My family freaks me out. I think they are all going to simultaneously combust when i leave for school. Who’s going to be around to keep them on the straight and narrow? No one.
5. Work. I’ll be taking an educational leave of absence. I’ll hate that. Money makes my world go round right now. I won’t have that at all. That’ll suck.
6. My roommate. Idk who the eff he is. He could be some weirdo. He could kill me in my sleep. Stalk me perhaps? Or maybe he’s one cool cat who doesn’t really want to stay on campus. That’ll be nice.

Idk. Please ignore the list. Stuff on my mind that i had to get off. Otherwise I would have erupted into flames. Have a wonderful evening.

I really appreciate when i try to do my chores of my own free will. My father watches me do something, knowing its wrong, and doesn’t say anything. But when i break something I get yelled at. I would like you to know that I didn’t do it to be a “half-ass” attempt. I did it so i wouldn’t have to do it in another two fucking days. Piss off. Go get some sleep and come talk to me like an adult after you cool off..

shit.

For the longest time I thought staying here would do me some good when it came to school. I thought having my family and friends for support would do me good. It has and I love everyone of you for it. I took advantage of the love and support you have shown me. I let it “cushion” me. I didn’t take school seriously as i should have.

 But now i know. Now I know where i need to go, I know where i need to be. I know what needs to be done. I’ve been awakened, revived, enlightened even. The time has come for me to leave the Quad Cities. I love everyone but I need something bigger than this. I need the college experience to be a mind-blowing one. I need a change. Starting tomorrow there will be a new Jake McLean in town, and he won’t be staying for long.